THE URBAN LEGEND OF THE PATRIOTIC CON MAN

April 24, 2014

Once upon a time, in a small town just outside of a big city, there lived a man with a paintbrush. Ever the opportunistic American, he fooled his neighbors into thinking he was an artist – and not of the con variety! “What beautiful flags he draws,” the businessmen would say, who were all related to the mob but who gives a damn anyway. What matters is a love for the colors on the flag; the way it dances in the air as it claims new territory. Like a dog pissing on every tree near his home this man with a paintbrush worked on his American flags for every worn-out mobster with a buck. Oh it was truly great for the con artist.

Each compliment made his head a bit larger. This change in appearance became apparent a few months after his fame began to rise and was glaringly obvious after a year of the big scam. In fact, his head weighed half as much as his entire body by the time it got stuck in a doorway. The man could hardly look his followers in the eyes, what with such a heavy head and small neck. Some people started to worry, but not too many people, because nobody cares about anyone else all too much anyway.

Well, this con artist was sure in deep trouble. Stuck in the doorway to his home, just a few feet from his bed (where he sleeps all alone), the man called for help. “Help me please! I am stuck in this doorway!” But the townspeople did not know what to do. You see, the man lived in a house completely made of stars and stripes. Red, white and blue colored wood spanned four stories. It had become a site for tourists to visit (mostly Christians who had a prayer booth set up a mile back), all of whom were afraid to deface the patriotic abode. “I’d like to help you sir but you are stuck in a flag. It is illegal to break that.” And so the con artist pleaded “Well yes it is, but in this case I really do think it’s necessary…” The tourists found the artist to be quite contradictory.

Day turned to night and the man with a paintbrush fell asleep in the doorway of a giant American flag. His 70lb noggin could not fight the power of gravity and so his body was slumped in a very strange position; the kind you expect to find at a crime scene (but without blood – this story is child-friendly). It really was a funny way to sleep, and the kids in the neighborhood couldn’t help but laugh. “What a giant head that man has!” But nobody moved him because they were afraid to defile the flag, and secondly because he weighs a lot and they did not want to strain their muscles. The con man died a few days later with the Christians looking from their prayer booth.

And so the legend goes, the spirit of the con man haunts every American flag painted building in every small town for all of eternity. SO if you don’t want your business to be haunted by a fake artist with a big head DO NOT pay for a painting of the American flag!

 

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